There’s simply something overwhelming about good music. I’m listening to my recording of the Dave Pahanish benefit from this weekend, and I’m struck once again by how good he is. I can’t even sing along to the recording with out tearing up – not in a bad way, but like with We’re About 9, I just find the emotions overwhelming – the word is “joy”, I suppose, where it’s not just happiness, but a mix of that and beauty and a bit of pain. It’s been a recurring theme for the past week.
I’m amazed by Dave as a performer. Nothing short of spectacular. I hope he’ll let me pass these recordings on. I actually prefer them to any of the studio stuff I’ve heard (which I’m sure I shouldn’t say).
Hell, how do any of us perform our Life stories? Dave is one of the few people I know who writes real songs about real things that have happened to him. Most of the singer/songwriters I know are – to be indelicate – liars. Most of them are making up stories and creating events out of books or inspirations or out of thin air. I used to have trouble performing because most of my songs are so direct from my own Life that I’d break down in the middle of them (Molotov Swell was particularly difficult) and even when I DID get through shows, it’d catch up with me afterwards. I remember crying my brains out in Heather’s old Ford Futura outside of Amy’s house, forcing myself to regain my composure before going in. I don’t break down like that a lot anymore, but I suppose it’s still in there somewhere. Threatening with people who write stuff that I can’t write.
I’m dreading getting to the part of this recording where I remember – there’s a song that Dave performed that made me think so strongly of my father that I was choking. I had a new friend sitting next to me, I remember her breath on my elbow, and I was just afraid she was going to look up and think “oh God, what a freak”.
Maybe it’s just my old mood swings coming back. My mom always told me that one day I’d simply HAVE to give in to taking drugs for my emotions. I’m still holding out.
Listening to Dave play Love songs hits hard, and I wonder how his wife feels – if they’re all about her? Are they about longings that were never realized? Old Loves – I don’t know, I almost feel like they must’ve been one of those lucky high-school romances that coalesced into a Life time. Watching We’re About 9 and watching Pat Klink’s girlfriend watch him – I wonder what that feels like.
