Too easily caught, not easily held. At the moment I’m discouraged and have finally been looking (half-heartedly, not seriously, but looking) at education scholarships to go back and get my Masters for teaching. Looking at a bunch of regional things, because though I feel like I’d probably want to come back to PG County, I’m not sure how immediate that payment to my karma needs to be, nor that i want to stay in Maryland for the immediate future. I’m frankly tired, and the attraction of having a track, of being told what to do, of having some sort of other-defined mission is beginning to have real appeal.
It’s funny, I talk to friends and they tell me what they do for a Living and unless they’re in school, I almost feel like “well, yeah, but what do you DO?” – as in, what are you working towards? I always thought I knew what I was working towards, but frankly, I’m not sure that I’m capable of it.
I’ve been having conversations about the future, about permanance – and I wonder how I can legitimately fit into other people’s Lives. The idea of networking and weaving people’s Lives is probably just lie if you’re just skating over their surfaces all the time. Perhaps the feeling of fleeting inspiration, but whereas I’ve always taken comparisons to Peter Pan as a compliment – maybe it’s almost time to see them as comparisons to a childish tale of the desire for arrested development.
I’m worried that in rebelling against the real-world drives that ruled my Father, that I’ve ignored the very practical realities of Living (living? finally) a decent life in this type of world. And by type of world, I mean to go back and say “the” world, because even “type of world” displays an escapist wish to believe that there are other possibilities out there.
There is an absolutely horrible feeling in my stomach and I just want to throw it all up.
For those who are concerned. I’m alright. I’m just telling you what I’m thinking, and hating, and lamenting. I’ll be alright, I’m just discouraged and my emotions are playing merry Hell with me. I’ll be okay and Life (yes – L) will be alright.
