Cooling down.
So, I used to get so angry I couldn’t see straight. So furious that I felt like I’d lose control of my muscles. And that was when bad things would happen, usually to my brother, sometimes to myself, whatever. I’m not talking tough here, it was always more of a… almost an uncontrolled jerk reaction. Ha. Full out asshole reaction. Calm calm calm and then a momentary loss of control that involves hitting someone in the mouth with a shovel.
Acacia Sears and I being photographed by Julian Dulaney of Least Common Denominator.
can’t connect words. I can’t sit still, I can’t sleep. It’s people, it’s the world, it’s the commercials on television. It’s tales that Heather brings home from subbing and it’s people that I hear about on the news. It’s politics and it’s traffic and I’m trying so hard to unclench my teeth and unclench my shoulders.
I’m listening to conversations of people who don’t understand anything. A suburban kid saying “if you have drugs and you want to use them, you’re a Jew in World War II”.
I know, I know, I’m just an angry little man, but these suburban children with their parents paying their way through colleges for their philosophy majors don’t comprehend practicality. People are just lashing out and have no knowledge of anything outside of
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Dan Zimmerman, Acacia Sears and I all went to hang out at the My Way Restaraunt open mic, just to see what we would see. Dan was caught unawares as a whirling couple danced past the stage in a little blur of joy and flirt.
Acacia broke a string right from the case and ended up playing my own Lovely beast. I have the vague feeling she might have developed a name… oh dear Lord, is my guitar named Sonja?!!?
And I sort of got over it. Grew out of it? Dealt with it? Discovered music? I don’t know, it wasn’t terribly well-delineated and I think I was just about the only person fully aware of how bad it could be.
But recently it’s there again… this rising red that makes me want to just DO something. And I can’t. It’s changing the music I’m listening to, the music I’m thinking, the sounds in my head. I hate the feeling of rising rage, so thick that I can’t think. I try to talk and I can’t connect words. I can’t sit still, I can’t sleep. It’s people, it’s the world, it’s the commercials on television. It’s tales that Heather brings home from subbing and it’s people that I hear about on the news. It’s politics and it’s traffic and I’m trying so hard to unclench my teeth and unclench my shoulders.
I’m listening to conversations of people who don’t understand anything. A suburban kid saying “if you have drugs and you want to use them, you’re a Jew in World War II”.
I know, I know, I’m just an angry little man, but these suburban children with their parents paying their way through colleges for their philosophy majors don’t comprehend practicality. People are just lashing out and have no knowledge of anything outside of themselves and they have no control and attack whatever they can. We popularize misogyny and glorify criminalization and dehumanization and then are surprised when that’s all we have to grasp in our American “culture”. Oh, wait, was that American culture or religious belief? Sigh – I don’t remember anymore.
Cooling down.
