February 18th, 2009.

From a letter a friend wrote me:

“I’ve been having some motivation issues related to music lately (you may have noticed). I was wondering if at some point when you’re back in town you’d be interested in/willing to sit down somewhere and talk some about what to do when musicy-things aren’t working quite the way you’d like them (you’ve been doing this a while longer than me, so i can only assume you’ve run into this somewhere before)… Ooooh…now the snow’s come back! And it brought friends!”

And here was part of my response: 

“At the moment, we’re also trapped beneath a nasty blanket of sleet and ick here in Pittsburgh.  They know how to deal with it better, but the sky knows how to dish it out better too, so I’m not too sure if we’re going out tonight to play or what.  It’s not supposed to stop, either, till Saturday morning – which has me pretty concerned, but we played on Friday, twice on Saturday, Monday and twice yesterday… maybe we get a night off?  Maybe?   I promise to play Thursday and Friday and to make Heather play on Saturday….

I must admit, I get tired of playing.  Tired of writing, tired of trying.  I try not to let it affect my performance much / at all (which honestly isn’t TOO hard – I mean that’s the FUN part), but it affects my tenacity at booking, my record-keeping.  The rest of the world hopefully only notices that it effects my Journal writing.

Running the open mic at Java Mammas has probably been one of the most important things for me, for my soul.  As a visual artist I’m the same way: I need to be in a community of people that are creative and creating, people who inspire me and people who I inspire.  Especially with someone as egotistical as myself, it’s a cautious balance – finding someone who I admire sans the jealousy that comes so easily for me.  As artists, we’re generally given to big egos (we create our own worlds, afterall – and of course we’re the centres of what we create) – and so, creating the greater world of the open mic where I can be the star (as MC and arguably as one of the best performers) who is often overshadowed (other players certainly, Heather as a solo entity is magnificent,  Rick Millman’s writing is amazing, other regulars and visitors) but who still gets to be the centre of all the action has been really good for me.  That may make it sound really awful, but generally I feel like we’ve given something really good to the people that are there and that we’ve created a wonderful circle of friends and artists.  Heather’s addition of the topical songwriting challenge pushes productivity as well and all of us striving in a good-natured competition is a powerful thing.

Frankly, it reminds me of the good side of college.  I had a community around me.  We worked together, played together, pushed one another.  We had the outside stimulus ofgrades but mostly it was about the community.  Amy Law has probably been the most important creative stimulus for me since then – the one part of my artistic community that has come with me and reminds me of what I had, what I need… she’s there to kick me ass here and there and I can still talk art crit with her… and whenever I’m feeling productive, she’s there to show me what productive REALLY means.

(an external note – if I really want to think about it, Heather, Rowan and Sharif of course are the most important parts of my personal community and there have been any number of inspirations and friends that make me work harder than I would alone, not least of which would be the rare but treasured letters from Will Schaff, admiring that we’re still making music and reminding me that I know GREAT people)

I get very discouraged on occasion, usually on the business side, often about my playing (I do what I do, and do it very well – but there’s a WHOLE lot of stuff that I can’t do, and I know that), often about my voice – but I often have to take a holistic view of what it is that I do.  Beyond the physical skills of playing my guitar, there’s the talent and charisma that goes into being a performer – and we bring a lot of joy to other people with that.  Knowing that there are people that admire you (and I’m talking about YOU now), and that they’re not simply friends and family supporting you but that you’ve got the accolades to back it up – sometimes we’re striving to get the press, but when we’re feeling down, I think that the press becomes something that pushes us – we’ve got to Live up to what’s been said, you know?

It’s hard.  I don’t want to be trapped in tiny coffeehouses forever.  I want to get paid for this, and get paid well.  On the other hand, I want to be ABLE to play a tiny coffeehouse whenever.  Business has been good, but for the couple of months before that it wasn’t.  I was jealous of Heather’s Dar Williams opportunity but I’m proud of her and glad of the opportunities I’m hoping that it will still give us.  There are people being rewarded who I think are talentless assholes that don’t deserve it and there are talented people who are assholes who I don’t think deserve the talent.  And of course there are talented people who deserve the rewards who aren’t getting them.  It’s a hideously difficult business and it’s hard on the soul – which is why doing what you’re doing, reaching out for the support of those around you is exactly the thing to do, and often the only thing you CAN do.

I’m in a rut myself.  I’m constantly feeling like I’m not doing enough, not getting enough done – but I’ve been working on it, pulling myself out of it.  My relationships have both helped and hindered and I’m slowly figuring out how to add bliss to my emotional and creative mix so that it can motivate me just as depression can  I’m painting again and that’s helping.  Frankly, redirecting your juices every once in a while really, really helps.”