So – when I had my breakdown in college (by the way, I had a breakdown in college) – I was convinced that I couldn’t be both a visual artist and something OTHER than a visual artist without my soul dissolving. Or something. There was math. At least, that’s what *I* thought was behind it. My doctor thought it was due to an electrical accident I’d suffered (by the way, I suffered an electrical accident in college). There’s probably a grain of truth behind both explanations. We’re complicated creatures. I had some very weird math behind my theory. She probably had some pretty solid biochemical studies on hers.
I sometimes wonder about the solution. I feel like I struggle with it all the time – not doing a lot of visual art any more – and yet finding it almost impossible to click from one mind set to the other. I really have to NOT be a musician for a couple of days before I can think in terms of colours and lines. It slows down my process, and though I sort of understand, I don’t really get it.
I find other divisions in my head like that too. Yesterday I just couldn’t turn “on” and be social – big deck party with a couple of people I should be very comfortable with – but my mind just wasn’t connecting. It didn’t want to be nimble enough to jump into the conversation in any sort of meaningful way. Of course, I didn’t really have anything to say about carbon nano-tubes or the Turkish coup. Maybe Facebook has got me paranoid about having “real” conversations. I ended up retreating with Heather and talking about wedding plans and thinking out loud. I drove home, pulled into a church parking lot and caught some Pokemon, and then rejoined my “family unit” of Mosno and Kristen to watch some Mr. Robot. He’s delving into fugue states and split personalities and I’m sure that’s what got me thinking about college again. For all that I’m sure he was a nice enough guy (though a little bland from what I hear) I think I’m glad I never met my “other” self…
Got to get it together for this evening. Open mic night. Gotta be friendly! But firm! Had to actually kick someone out a couple of weeks ago. Don’t enjoy it. But maybe I SHOULD enjoy being a little more firm with people. Need another mask for that, if not a persona. Paloo.
