I’m feeling sad. Worn. Overwrought. It’s the world at large, it’s fear, it’s all the dark thoughts.
Dark thoughts. As I mentioned, I’ve finally gotten into the health care system again, and it was strange to sit there, having my blood pressure taken, heart racing, being asked “have you in the past week, thought about harming yourself or others?”
I answer that I think anyone who answers “no” to that question is lying, but that I know the difference between thinking about harming myself and suicidal ideation – the difference between fantasizing about killing people versus tipping slowly towards psychosis. Maybe that’s not the answer they were looking for, but it’s truthful.
Because of COURSE I think about harming myself AND others. I fantasize about it. I wish for it and sometimes I find myself wanting not because I’m too weak not to think the thoughts, but because I know I’m too weak to carry them out.
The world isn’t a good place. Or a kind place. Humans are base animals with opposable thumbs who allow every high-minded thing they could accomplish get undermined by fear disguised as hate. We’re all little rats biting at hands that don’t look familiar or who smell too much like food.
Or maybe I’m just having a bad day.
