Horrible dreams last night. Slow burns and strange. More like, social anxiety than anything else I suppose. So, in the vast scheme of things and compared to real Life events, not so horrible, but that COMBINED with real Life events have left me feeling exhausted an ill-at-ease.
The first one was silly. I think I was … not at lunch WITH someone… perhaps at lunch NEXT to someone? I guess I was watching them carefully because I saw him open his wallet a couple of times and saw there was only a twenty in there – saw him carefully perusing the menu (side note, I always hear this word in my head with extra vowels : “peruuuuusing”) and very consciously order $40 worth of food. I was concerned for him. I paid my bill and was getting ready to head out when I heard it hit the fan behind me. The guy brandished the twenty, started to walk to the back to wash dishes, was told that wasn’t acceptable, back and forth – to the point that I was about to step in and pay for the guy’s meal when, under threat of calling the police he produced a credit card.
Maybe this was inspired by Ford Prefect’s method of using a Hitchhiker’s Guide review to pay for HIS meal? I don’t know.
The second one. The second one’s draining from my mind even as I type. Oh – It was maybe after the meal –simply walking around and stepped into a shop. I wandered around, just checking things out and then figured it was time to leave. I think I chatted and flirted a little bit and started to head out when the manager, an older woman with dyed blonde hair stopped me and said it was store policy to search bags before they left the shop. I handed my laptop bag and she sat on the shop floor and started carelessly just throwing things out of the bag. I told her I was fine with her examining things but she needed to be careful with my stuff. She looked me in the eye and tossed the next item a couple feet across the room (weirdly, a copy of Gray’s Anatomy) at which point I said – yeah – no, leave it alone and I went and grabbed the bag out of her hand and went and started gathering things up. At which point she called the police and started sobbing about a homeless man who was clearly deranged who’d stolen a bag and she’s describing the contents and me to the 911 operator all while weeping and grinning. I try to casually grab the contents knowing that I can probably talk my way out of whatever’s coming from the 911 dispatch, but also not really interested in hanging around. All the other shop employees are just looking embarrassed and saying “sorry, but she’s the boss”. I leave, casually calling someone on my phone just to look unworried.
But I’m worried.
I think I’m angry about a Facebook Friend TM who posted a Letterkenney meme with the words “Ain’t it funny how the police don’t bother you if you don’t do anything wrong” – and as with so many of these things, especially something as blatantly spectacularly ignorant as that (coming from a middle-aged white woman in a small town in Ohio, clearly trying to be a statement on a black man’s experience?!) – I have a billion responses (picture of me – ain’t it funny how guys never hit on you in Midwest towns if you’re a guy?) (men never stare at MY chest! Bitches be crazy!) but I get jammed up with the uselessness of it all.
Last night we played another webcast show and // it went better than the last one in that it didn’t get cut off by thunderstorms, but Heather’s internet continues to be throttled down to a barely useable upload speed and – well, we’ve got to change things up because this is actually not functional. If I’m gaining employment because people think I know what I’m doing, I’ve got to look and sound better than anyone else on the block.
The next webcast will be from our house, but it’s cramped here – and then Heather’s upgrading her service, so we’ll see what difference that makes.
I also broke down early in the show. Just broke. I start crying during Baliset and couldn’t get it back under control. I don’t know if I’m embarrassed or not. I’m just flat out overstressed. My mother’s in the hospital and I don’t know how much to talk about it, but all she wanted last night was to try and tune in, but she can’t have electronic devices in the hospital because people steal things, and she can’t have visitors because of Covid – And it’s all just pretty awful.
Absolutely randomly I woke up this morning at 7am and got up and puttered so I happened to be away when my mom called at 7.30am hoping to get my brother’s phone number. She kind of slowly became aware of the time… but not the correct time and apologized profusely for calling at 4am but was thankful that I was up.
Everything’s confusing.
1 thought on “June 18th, 2020.”
Sorry to hear about you’re mom Rob. Your dream was arcane. “I never sleep. Sometimes I dream”.
Never give up. Never give in.