I NEED to get the Journal transferred. No-one will probably ever care except me and Susan and maybe the random one-off humans who are impressed that I can find details about a particular date pre-Facebook, but I need to make it happen so I can feel that I’ve finished SOMETHING. Anything.
But it’s a lot of work, and there are emotional landmines.
I’ve reached the Dreamscapes Project final show on April 19th, 2014 and I STILL don’t know what to make of it all. A last hurrah from a visionary artist who saw the writing on the wall, I suppose? The DSP was an amazing band, Keith Center an intense, smart and charismatic front man – and I should be flattered by the comparisons to ilyAIMY that drew us together : two acoustic bands with cellists in them! Their last show demonstrated their breadth of appeal and the decision making that made Keith a fantastic band leader.
It’s through hard work, hook, crook and cajoling and personal attention and impersonal cut-throatness that one gets ANYWHERE in this business and we all find our personal balances of it. I think that Keith’s decision to end the Project with a HUGE bang was the right one, but it always makes me second-guess my own path.
ilyAIMY’s show on Friday night struggled and whimpered until I FINALLY made the decision to move indoors, and though the show itself ended up being a fun thing to play, any semblance of “success” probably says a good deal more about my own standards than it does the actual show. I’m struggling to decide whether or not that’s a positive or negative.
Man – I look back at that audience and think “we’re SO MUCH BETTER NOW!” We could’ve truly blown minds and frankly been more worthy of sharing that stage with the other amazing acts, but as I write this I’m doing some research. Being introduced to Cassandra Syndrome and, what became one of my favourite bands of all time, Superbob, et al was a huge win, but none of them have stood the test of time.
Watching Keith struggle to keep it together all night, watching him smash his guitar with no small frustration – watching him make the greatest speech for supporting Live, local music EVER – it still hurts.
I don’t know that I’ll ever have the guts to “call it” for ilyAIMY. For better or for worse I tend to be risk-adverse, don’t like making decisions I can’t walk back, and I diversify, diversify, diversify. So when Rowan couldn’t make the shows in 2017 because he was touring with the Carolina Chocolate Drops, we worked around it. When Audrey didn’t want to tour, I found Heather, added her to the roster and still called it ilyAIMY. I’ve glommed onto percussionists and drummers and violinists and sax players. I’ve lost the same. ilyAIMY’s a pick-up band, or a tight six piece, or a trio, or just “anything that rob does” depending on who you ask. It’s a band, it’s a community, some probably don’t see it as anything other than a open mic host’s weird-ass website – but BECAUSE it’s so wide-spread it’s hard to kill.
But maybe it’s hard to kill cause it’s only half-alive. I’ve heard that argument before. I tell myself it can’t fail because like a mist it’ll escape any box it’s put in, but maybe it can never succeed because like a mist you can’t pin it down. I haven’t put enough money down and so I can’t win.
Well, metaphorically speaking of course. Goodness knows (or at least the IRS does) how much capital I’ve sunk into running a band and making it louder. Making it audible the whole world over in point of fact.
In any case, that night in April of 2014 I didn’t watch something die, I watched something commit suicide in a calculated manner, and sometimes the most we can ask is to choose the method of our passing. Keith chose a huge, beautiful explosion – it was like having a funeral he could attend – and everybody came. We made fans that night that have stuck with us ever since precisely because of that impassioned speech. Maybe we’re naught but carrion crows, destined to carry on while everything around us disbands and dies.
Last band standing ain’t the worst thing. I just hope I don’t look stupid doing it.
