Twice this week I’ve felt physically threatened. I hate it. It reminds me that I shouldn’t have quit Tae Kwon Do no matter what I thought the consequences were. It reminds me that my arms are thin. It reminds me of the greater metaphor that when you’re weak your options are limited. It’s what leads to shooting first and asking questions later. It’s the way in which I relate to the idiots who’ve shot people who’ve made wrong turns recently. It’s one of the reasons I probably shouldn’t own a gun.
But you know? I’M actually self-aware on the subject.
Tuesday evening at the Spark was mostly a good night. Good talent, great featured artist. Getting to sit back and watch John Peiffer rather than RUN the show or participate in any other way was kind of nice. In practice, I’m easily bored, but there are a couple of performers that I just purely enjoy watching. John’s one of those. He’s very aware of himself in the moment. Emotive. Passionate.
And so, it sucks to have myself taken out of myself by a performer who’s very tall. Much older than me. But physically towering and quite strong grip my arm suddenly, angrily, dragging and inevitable.
“Someone took my guitar!” he says through clenched teeth.
My first reflex is to pull back but he’s not letting go. “Lemme guess, black case with all the black cases? I bet someone took it by accident…” I look at the List to compare who’s here and who’s not “No, it’s GREY. No-one would make that MISTAKE. Someone TOOK MY GUITAR”. There’ve been few unknown-to-me people here this evening, and none of them have left, and the only people to have left that I literally don’t know well-enough to have in my phone was a woman and her autistic daughter (?), an unlikely pair of guitar thieves.
And a couple of other people gather, it’s obvious that SOMETHING is going on…
“Okay, but you need to step away from me.”
He releases but dodges back in and grips again as if afraid I’M going to leave, that he’s going to make this MY problem. His fingers easily wrap ALL around my upper arm. Someone else comes up and says “didn’t I see you take it out to your car?”
“Oh, haha, I guess I did”.
He releases my arm, and grins about it.
I’d say it’s just a mistake anyone can make, but he felt edge-of-violence in response and we’d already had words about mic placement and I’d walked away from him in frustration earlier in the evening. He feels unstable. Untrustable.
By Friday I’ve had the Lair and the Ellicott City open mic to smooth over the week. Beautiful nights of music. Cat recovery. Wonderful dinners involving curries and Little Market Café beignets.
Friday afternoon, returning to the Little Market Café, sans the stress of parking, I was high on Life. I pet a sparrow! I’m a DISNEY PRINCESS! In the middle of telling that story to a couple of friends I turn to find a phone in my face. Not a foot away in my face. Inches from my face.
I shove it back and focus on who’s holding it – a known quantity who’s harassed me online, made it clear even from my own stage that he thinks I’m an egotistical narcissist who enjoys my small ponds. This guy has called me out of the blue and told me “I’ve got a gift for your wife” and then left shitty messages on my Facebook page when I’ve not replied fast enough.
In short – there are some people for whom, haha, it’s fun to see you – that’s funny. And there are some people for whom this feels threatening and invasive and though I don’t push back at his grin I DO push back at the arm holding the phone. He shoves back saying “don’t fuck with me man, I’ve been spending time in the COUNTRY”.
I’m not particularly taking the time to parse that right now, haha, yes this is cute I try to continue my conversation and he shoves at me again “that’s why you haven’t seen me, you better watch out, I’ve been spending time out in the COUNTRY”… at this point we’re in the territory of… not being quite sure if this guy is threatening, about to throw a punch, what – the old reflexes come back but they’re rusty. So I’m not full on BLOCKING his shove? Punch? Push? But I’m blocking aggressively, which means stepping into it.
I become very aware that I’ve got my fingerpicks on and if this suddenly really goes south, I can’t really punch or pull my knife with that hand. I’m still packed close to a table, my two friends are watching and clearly not sure WHAT the Hell is happening. There’s not enough space to get my legs into it but when he comes in again … again… I’m unsure what’s going on. There’s knees involved. Is he just coming in to shove, to kick? I can’t read intention. I get my shins into it, block it again, shove back and that’s when Heather intercedes. He reaches past her again and says “You better BE CAREFUL I’ve been out in the country!!!” or something again and with Heather in the middle saying something palliative and I just reply “____ I don’t care.” (I’m not gonna put his name in here, those of you who know, know).
At which point he pulls back from Heather and I and starts walking away fast :
“FUCK YOU ROB. FUCK YOU!”
Sigh.
Kinda ruins the night. I’m thinking about it all through the second set and as we’re driving home that night, well, he’s a neighbour from two blocks away and we pass him walking towards his house – from our house’s direction – as we’re headed back home. I see lots of people out and about on our block and I’m worried enough that I actually go check on my car (Kristen drove) because this guy’s been unhinged and just unpredictable over the … decade? Plus? That I’ve known him but this is the first time he’s TOUCHED me.
And so now there’s a new variable in my Life.
I go to my cross-the-street neighbour to explain my new complication but get side-tracked as he introduces me to ANOTHER neighbour and we get to talking about floors and his cute little dog and Lebanese desserts and I’d like to say that the stressors of the day fall away, but of course I let it all run rampant in my mind and I’m up till 5am running it through my head – how could that have gone better? What else could I’ve done? How do I NOT escalate things like that?
Over the many, many years in which I’m a known entity, someone that anyone can find because I have to make my whereabouts public, I’ve only had a couple of physical altercations like this. And none of them have ever actually escalated into a fight. I don’t think I’d do very well in one anymore. It’s been a long time and I have very little interest in that kind of risk to Life and limb. Plus we don’t Live in a society that’s very forgiving towards that kind of activity, legally speaking.
Sigh. And I don’t quite know where to take it from here. He tends to be a vanish-into-the-woodwork person, but I do see him around. He’s part of the scene. If I see him at the grocery store it’s 50/50 (literally) whether he smiles and nods when I greet him or he just hurriedly moves away from me. If I see him on the street it’s the same. I’ve seen him at two gigs recently. One he was friendly and greeted me and said he was there for the music (and pointedly vanished as soon as I started playing) and the second was THIS. So… maybe NOT quite 50/50 for “friendly” interactions, but this is a new variable in his behaviour that I don’t appreciate.
Sigh. Remember to take your fingerpicks off before leaving the stage rob. You might need your hands free. For… like… autographs n shit. And maybe we miss our boots AFTER all.
I’m just a LITTLE rob.