November 12, 2024 – Reckoning.

Kristen here:

It’s been a week since the election, and I still can’t look at the news. Can’t look or listen to a descent into facism being discussed or presented “objectively.” I’m not really ready to face my anger & confusion and think about what comes next.

Normally I’d be devouring analysis – from those trusted voices at NPR, those educated pundits who make this their life’s work, the activists and workers in the trenches, and even those wise older folks who have lived through bad times and in worse places, and can see a bigger picture from lived experience. Half of me desperately wants to know the detailed Whys behind the voting results, and how we can learn from them to move them in a different direction next time…and the other half honestly doesn’t care anymore. And I should say upfront that though I fully knew it was possible that Trump would be elected again, it didn’t seem like it was going to happen – and certainly not at this level – from what I was hearing from those Trusted Voices. A small majority – but a majority all the same – would let sanity and decency prevail. It had to be. It wasn’t. Have those voices failed me, failed us? 

I’ve looked at the numbers enough to know that the main issue appears to be large numbers of non-voters. All that chatter about record turnout, record registration, excitement at packed Harris rallies, Republicans switching their support…it didn’t reach/affect millions of necessary people. I also know that the numbers that voted for Trump aren’t “more than half the country.” They’re a ~2% majority of people who voted, and that’s not the same thing. Still, over 75 million people voting for this makes me want to set it all on fire and walk away. 

I have legitimate other life concerns at the moment that are helping me focus away from the doom and despair: I made the hellish drive to CT to help my mom with some initial preparation for her move to assisted living. The actual move will probably be taking place sometime next month, and lots of things still need to be figured out in the next couple of weeks. She’s extraordinarily organized and level-headed about it, as mom has always been. My brother-in-law commented “may we all deal with this future as effectively and gracefully as your mom is dealing with it.” After those plans are made and executed, we will be doing the same with my dad – an even bigger challenge. For at least the next three months, my parents need me to be a strong and functional person to help their transitions. It’s not an option for me to succumb to despair, yet. And so I’m ignoring and compartmentalizing, and feeling guilty about it, although everyone says “it’s OK, we must take care of ourselves first.” But it’s hard out there for an empath and compassionate person.

I think I’ve successfully not looked at Twitter (X, whatever) in about 6 days. That is part 1 of going on a social media diet which I know is needed. I am fully aware that Musk’s takeover of the platform was a horrible thing and almost certainly part of the larger problem. However I still find Twitter a useful thing for news digests, weather alerts, and a number of accounts I value following – of journalists, scientists, activists, etc. Little bits of info that educated and informed me. Once it became “X,” there’s now the “Following” feed, and the “For You” feed – where the algorithm dumps in whatever it wants to show you. For awhile, I ignored that. Then I started looking at “For You,” because I thought I wanted to be informed about what the propaganda machine was showing us. Gotta know evil to be aware of it, right? I am pretty skilled at identifying engagement farmers, rage baiters, blue check crap and whatever – so I didn’t really think it was “harming” me to lurk there. Well, recently I looked at my screen time report and realized I was spending as much – or more – time on X as I am on Facebook. Definitely can’t support Musk anymore even in the name of being informed and aware. And for sure, there’s got to be better uses for that time. I haven’t deleted my account yet, but I hid the icon in a buried folder and so far that’s helping me not look at it.

I’ll need to reckon with Facebook next. There’s a reason I’m posting this screed here, and not there. I don’t think I can leave FB. Too many people and community I value staying in touch with, and I need it professionally. I’ll work on restricting time on it. I definitely have my blue bubble there of like-minded people that are mostly screaming into the void, enraged, whatever. But I can’t even listen to anyone else’s like-minded rage right now. I’m so done with memes, even those I involuntarily nod in agreement with (check that page you shared from! It’s probably based in the Philippines!).

I’m thinking about upgrading my personal website to Bandzoogle which will give me a built-in email list. It’s not *really* necessary. I’m not trying to find much more work right now. I don’t know that I have amazing things to say to an email audience. Just thinking it might be better to build those connections off of social media. Maybe it’s a backup plan for when the “broligarch” sites (thank you Andrew McKnight for introducing me to that term!) become truly untenable to be a part of.

Bless my friends who are rolling up their sleeves, ready to resist, getting to work, remaining optimistic, doing Things, trying to build bridges. I’m getting all those emails from the ACLU, Swing Left and all that other stuff I signed up for in November 2016… “take action! Here’s what you can do!” I don’t open them. I am not there yet (this week, I intend to restart a monthly donation to National Network of Abortion Funds. That seems like the least I can do). I hope I will be there at some point, but the optimism I held during the Last Resistance is pretty much gone. We really, as a country, could not choose simple objective human decency? Not even a little bit? Well fuck it then. Why should I try? And here I acknowledge my extreme privilege. I am worried about my healthcare, but I’m pretty sure I will get through the next 4 years OK (and maybe longer, as we try to recover from what will be wrought), even if much goes to shit. I will do what I can to protect the vulnerable and use my privilege. If you don’t have friends who are initiating international or interstate moves for legitimate personal safety reasons, or taking their kids out of liberal colleges in red states, you’re not aware of what’s actually going on. But so many others are showing that they simply don’t care what happens to others as long as “I’ve got mine.” Learning how to just live in that world instead of fighting to fix it seems like the more feasible option at the moment.

I still know that our “sides” are not monoliths. I’ve visited 40-something states and refuse to call the entire middle and south of this country “Dumbfuckistan” (several of my friends have posted that meme). Yes, some people absolutely chose racism, misogyny and facism, with a fervor. Some people are just misinformed, or not informed, or fell victim to foreign or other underhand influence campaigns. Some held so fast to one issue or needed their candidate to be Perfect to “deserve” their vote that they could not bring themselves to compromise. Some people voted progressively on the rest of their ballot, but still voted for Trump. Some people are just tired, and already checked out. There are bridge possibilities there, I suppose. Do I want to spend the time and energy sorting out the bridge-able from the hopeless? No – at least, not right now. Especially when I see “the other side” only seems to want to build walls and not bridges.

And to be sure, I don’t feel like a passionate Democrat either, especially now. My values happen to align with most of their platform, so it’s what I vote. I move the chess pieces closer to the future I want to see. But there are plenty of problems with the party and its own politics/infighting, its big corporate money. Obviously it needs a huge reckoning to recover from this. I’ve glanced at some theories on how that could happen, but don’t know what I believe yet.

And I certainly am human enough to recognize that my views are mine, other people can have theirs (as long as those views don’t endanger the life and liberty of others…which is apparently a big ask), and I’m not better than anyone else. But I am confident enough in my sense of morality to know that certain principles should just BE. It’s not hard. And yet, it is. I can also see that the true “enemies within” are corporate/billionaire greed and various forces who want to divide us and keep us angry & scared, for their own gain. I would love to be one of those many people who can apparently just go about their daily lives not being aware of any of this. “It doesn’t affect me,” so why worry about it? How blissful. 

So, a week after the election that may plunge us into irredeemable awfulness, I am focusing on what my family needs and what I need to be able to provide that. I will continue to make music and bring beauty into the world. I said I wasn’t going to take on any more freelance work for a little while to focus on family stuff. Then I got a call to do an “emergency recording session” for a repeat client who is probably going to succumb to cancer any day now (update: he sadly did). He had a few last songs he needed to get out, and he wants me on them. How could I say no? That’s a sacred duty. And more time spent not looking at the news.

Postscript:

I’ve been “processing” with music, and damn if this song didn’t find me at just the right time. Just released today by our friends Ammonite, who we’ll be co-billing with in March: a co-write between Erin Frisby and Bev Stanton (one of rob’s regular open mic-ers). The lyrics & background are on the Bandcamp page.