I think that I’m having difficulty maintaining my sunny disposition. There’s a number of things going into that: the unending summer, sarcastic second-hand clients, the weight of social media negativity, the sleeting ferocity of the bad news from the world at large. Saudi Arabia and the Amazon have finally joined one another in flames, the coasts are sinking and the Midwest will happily become oceanfront property, grinning as the oceans rise right up until they realize that means everyone’s going to move inland… I overstate, but a lot of it’s in my head. I often feel like I’ve got second-rate seats for the end of the world and I can never quite tell if I’ve shown up right before the big climax or if I’m going to get bored and die of old age before the credits roll…
By all rights I should be looking outside and marveling at what a beautiful day it is. We’re playing a wedding this afternoon and I should be happy for them. But I’m having trouble scraping opti mism out of my emotional bucket. It’s there, sloshing around in the bottom, but all the slurry mixed on top of it has sullied it to the point that I don’t recognize it. Trying to catch it as the rest of the slop goes pouring past seems to be a task too tricky for even MY agile fingers, and as I look around my home I think “man, on top of everything else, I really, really need to clean the house”.
But it’ll be 85 degrees or so and I’ve got a gig. And tomorrow I’ve got some errands to run before I’ve got a gig. And Tuesday morning we leave for New England. I think it’ll be beautiful there, but I’m unsure as to whether or not my brain will be able to wrap around the travel as anything but an interruption.
We’re thinking about much more aggressive touring next year, but those gigs haven’t materialized yet. Summer’s ending and I don’t have all our autumn gigs finalized yet. I think I’m just tired, but I KNOW I’m overworked and underpaid. Yesterday was a DAY OFF and so I used it to be productive. I get another day off in two weeks. Another two weeks after that. I’m not sure how the calendar gets away from me. Running out of time.
In any case, I’m writing here rather than writing back to a sarcastic client. Because I recognize the desire to return like for like, and he’s someone who should probably be considered a big name in the local scene. Big enough and old enough that other big and old people will hear about it if I’m unkind. And so I’ll vent here. Vaguely. As I think about how by now I’D hoped to be the one that people think “oh, he’s big and old, I shouldn’t piss him off”.
As opposed to just… big and old… and running out of time.
Took a moment to go hit the Root Studio open mic on Friday. This arts space continues to be a bright spot in our local community.
