I’ve been having nightmares that aren’t very scary. Night mundanes. In the dreams I’m just puttering along, and in truth I’m probably not even really having narrative dreams – I’m just inserting the “knowledge” that I’m fifty. That Life under covid and quarantine has just slid along as it is for five years and nothing’s changed and I’ve aged, moving right along waiting for things to “get back to normal”. As is my head’s wont, I’ll wake up not remembering having dreamed, just with the memories, and it’s not till I look at a date or have to select my age from a box that I think “oh snap, I’m ‘only’ 45 and I haven’t lost five years in covid-stasis”…
Kristen’s legit having stress dreams about visiting the supermarket or gigging. I don’t think I’m generally having anything like that. I just keep dreaming of losing time.
In a letter I wrote to a friend I wrote
“…It’s my wife’s birthday and it doesn’t feel like it. I’m certainly hating the isolation, but Kristen and I are certainly faring better than most. We don’t have kids. Our jobs are sort of remaining relatively corona-proof (if anything, both of us are working more than we ever have in our Lives). But it definitely means events don’t feel eventful. I keep dreaming that five years have passed and nothing’s changed. I’ve always had trouble distinguishing my sleeping state from reality. I wake up thinking it’s 2025 and don’t mis a beat till well into my day. This concept of stasis, that someday we’ll be dropped out of the time bubble and we’ll just pick up with our Lives a year later is attractive, but simply a lie. I’m terrified by losing out. That the people who’re willing to dive back in, though irresponsible, are getting to their piece of the pie first – Are reaffirming their relationships with other pie-consumers and pie-shops first. That I’m losing at Coronavirus.
It’s not true. I’m working hard. I’m making connections that would’ve never been made before.”
But it still feels like I’m not doing enough. For every opportunity I pursue there’s two more that I can’t keep up with. Rowan and I are kinda dreaming about creating a streaming business together, but I don’t know that we have the werewithal and sticktuitiveness. Well. No. I don’t know that I have the werewithal and sticktuitiveness. I don’t know that Rowan’s got the time.
Leaping off of buildings and relying on faith remains attractive to me from a distance, and it’s not TOO scary to me now – it’d take a LOT to knock me out of my current low-grade stability, but for Rowan, with a kid and a house and a job – threatening the latter threatens the former and there’s only so much time.
Still, I’ve been training him up! And he’s been figuring out plenty on his own! (though he’s probably way better at reading through a manual and going through the steps, I think I’m better at working a problem through and making leaps where there’s no clear connection – I think that this means we approach problems from opposite angles and do well at meeting in the middle).
This week we’ve got two things where he’ll be taking the lead : the open mic, which he’s effectively been co-hosting the last couple of weeks (officially co-hosting last week) – he’ll be full out hosting this week as Kristen and Heather and I see how another outdoor gig works out. We’ll be in Delaware, Rowan will herd kittens.
Then Wednesday night I THINK he’ll be taking the lead in walking Grant Peebles through a webcast. Unfortunately it’s somewhat unstructured and I’m a little worried about it, mostly because they don’t want to set up more than once, nor leave things set up – so the sound check and the performance will all be on one day. Worried that though Rowan can run the performance he might not be able to be part of the sound check… and though I can run the sound check I might not be able to be part of the performance. It’ll test how well we communicate and we’ve got to do it well. But my dream is to NOT turn away opportunities, but to keep opportunities in the family.
Because family’s family even though we’re not REALLY family.
So we’ll see how that goes.
But today is chill. And we deserve it. Saturday was the 4th of July. Sunday I ran a showcase. Monday was my open mic. Tuesday I ran IMT : Live, Wednesday was the webcast… I’ve been busy and kind of deserve this stretch of slow days. Tomorrow we do a morning service based out of Houston, Monday’s up in Delaware, Tuesday’s On Your Radar and Wednesday’s Live from the Lair. And I’m happily just waiting on clients over the course of the weekends. There’s worse things. (though I wish they’d hurry up and get back to me, honestly).
Now, if only the neighbour who always … nails things to his truck (?) every Saturday morning at 9am… would learn to take a break too – that’d be amazing.
1 thought on “July 11th, 2020. Movin’ right along while standing very still.”
sometimes I feel like reading the journal it’s like having a little chitchat with you even though I’m far away… Your dedication to journal writing is really quite amazing and speaks to your stick to it of Ness and I don’t mean the loch kind. I sort of miss not knowing what page number I’m on but it’s got to be thousands at this point and every one has been enlightening, interesting, enjoyable, and even educational in some fashion… Always articulate… Don’t stop!