I’ve had a rough 48 hours and I’m trying to come to terms with what’s been occupying my headspace. I can’t decide if I hate myself, or the things that I do – and I can’t decide if I’m a failure or just feel like one.
But I get over it.
I KNOW a lot of my moods, depressions and distress is chemical-based. Whether I’m off-kilter because I’m not getting enough sleep or just cause I was in TOO good of a mood and my body is, unkindly, trying to even me out, I’ve Lived in my body for a LONG time and I recognize the patterns, even when it’s hard to see out of them while I’m in the middle of it all – especially on really, really bad days.
And the last couple of days have been awful.
Not that today’s that much better – but I’m able to rein it in – I’m able to push through it and handle the edges of it without cutting myself. I’m able to see the beauty in the world.
Last night, driving home from Sandy Spring Museum, I took a longcut through Ellicott City just because I like the cool night air and I like the hills and I like driving stick through the curves while I can. I dodged a roadblock and turned around. Dodged a deer. I dodged a fox sprinting across the front of my car as I went frankly faster than I ought to in the darkness outside of town.
I was in a Mood and I knew that. I also knew that hitting that deer could’ve ended me physically and hitting that fox would’ve probably ended me emotionally. I slowed down and came home and threw my thoughts out at Kristen and threw my arms around Kristen and eventually calmed down.
Today’s been a better day. I’ve been productive, even a little ADVANCED, getting some things done ahead of time… but then I get news of things that are just undermining my efforts. It’s not quite on the level of randomly invading a neighbouring country just as the world’s almost getting a handle on a global pandemic while still teetering on the edge of complete environmental collapse – but in my own little world – it sort of feels like that.