I had this weird moment of giddiness just now. A moment where my body went through a couple of motions and on some low, animal level my mind thought it recognized what was about to happen and was so very grateful that even now it doesn’t understand that no, that’s not what’s happening at all. The emotional disconnect is a funny-feeling headache right behind the eyes that almost feels like being on the edge of tears. It’s a strange vertigo that makes me feel like that moment right after you caught air in your car, right before the rubber meets the road again, that half-second where you don’t know if your car’s about to break or you’re about to lose control entirely. It’s that feeling you get when you’re driving across the Chesapeake Bay and you’re tempted by the edge. The oncoming traffic. The railing on the side of the cliff.
I happened to have a t-shirt in my laptop bag because I needed a change of clothes for the taiko shows this weekend. I picked up my laptop, and grabbed the power supply and grabbed the shirt and it felt so much like leaving it left me looking for my keys.
Intensity is such a rarity when not on stage. The heat of sunshine, biting into something far too hot, driving too fast. This weekend’s performance with taiko and dance, the joy of partnership, the thunder and damage. Little r, capital L writ large.