It’s just about 5am and I’m conscious, which is not ideal. My brain is full of things going right, things going wrong. Success and failure and disappointment.
I’m disappointed in myself for not keeping my open mics on a smoother path. For not projecting more joy. For not making it smoother. I’m disappointed in Biden pardoning his kid. I’m disappointed in the world because they’ll see this as equivalent in some way to Trump promising to pardon January 6ers, and I’m disappointed that TikTok will probably time their outage just right so that Trump can be there hero, bringing it back by going back on what he’d said before. Disappointed in myself for caring at 5am on a Monday morning.
It’s COLD outside. There are drafts of it through the house. Failures of integrity that I’m trying not to take personally or as metaphor. The heat pump is admirably Living up to its name and the house is warmer than it ever was with the radiators, at least on average, and I want to go slap all our naysayers, but year after year I’m further shown (and disappointed) that people simply reflexively deride everything that is new to them while somehow simultaneously fetishizing everything that LOOKS new but is familiar enough to be unthreatening.
I’m TRYING not to shake my (damn) head in aforementioned disappointed but the longer I’m here the more it seems my species fails to Live up to my hopes. My optimism and faith is wallowing.
It’s a shame. I’ve enjoyed being inspiring to people, but by now I simply feel naive. The idiots are winning. The Simpletons will ALWAYS win. Lowest fucking common denominator.