Woke up broken up today. Strange dreams remembering my parents’ house as ay different place. I think Heather and I were working our way through the house preparing for SOMETHING. I don’t know if we were moving in, setting up to sell it, setting up for a house concert? We were saying good bye in some way so I guess we were prepping to sell it. I don’t know where Kristen was but that’s par for the course. It was an all-alone feeling but Heather has context. She knew my parents back when…
And in the dream the house (which may have been more like my grandparents’ house in Hyattsville?) had all these strange personal touches that in my dream my dad had built. Little shelves because that’s where he always wanted to put his razor in the bathroom and little hooks because that’s where mom always wanted to hang a frying pan. They were subtle additions that were almost unnoticeable till you folded them up.
And I wasn’t able to get over the idea that the new owner (okay, we were definitely selling it, I guess) was probably going to rip all these things out, but there was no good way for me to take them with me. And these last reminders of my dad were going to be destroyed.
I woke up sad and lonely and missing my dad. I’ve been waking up in weird emotional states, angry and bloodthirsty, in mid-laugh, and this isn’t the first time since we’ve come home that I’ve woken up in tears. Waking up with blurred vision from tears isn’t half so unnerving as waking up to the sound of laughter and realizing it’s yours.
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