Nightmares last night. Nightmares and no sleep. And I’ve been a bad Journaler. It’s like my Life doesn’t exist if I’m not typing about it, right? It’s all just nightmares and fading dreams.
I remember an attack. We were on a bus, and snaky-headed small-dog-sized dinosaur-adjacent monsters were swarming it. We (the band?) managed to get on the bus and I was slamming the door, but one of these sneaky, snaky THINGS had gotten it’s head inside, snapping and thrashing and biting and hissing as I slammed the folding door on it over and over again. Too sinewy, too strong. I just held it pinned, and we were at a stand-off and I woke up. And so I knew I’d been sleeping because THAT nightmare was nightmarish enough not to be a memory, but I couldn’t fall asleep.
I’m wrapped in worry and concern and “have I don’t the right thing for my mother” “am I wasting my time and my Life” and “am I going to be up all night worrying and being concerned?”
And I wake up after lifting a little white dog, smeared in its feces, dripping and gushing. We were at a party, and I picked up the dog to move it and its rear just came undone with dire consequences. I’m conscious and I haven’t been to many parties with dogs at them recently, so it must’ve been a nightmare, not a memory so I knew that I’d been sleeping, but now I’m up and wrapped in worry and concern and I can’t fall asleep…
At least two more cycles, waking from nightmares. At least one was jarring enough that I wake panting, but I don’t remember the other vignettes, I just remember waking up and trying to hold the dinosaur nightmare in my head thinking “that’s the one I’m going to forget”… I last saw the clock at 4.50am and I’m worried and concerned about playing today…
I’ve OFTEN been bad about abusing the snooze button in the morning, though it used to be a conscious effort to be unconscious because I’d get these dream moments, sometimes hours of memory in ten minutes’ time, but sometimes it’s TOO horrible and I’ve gotten out of the habit simply because for the moment at least, I always snap awake at 8.30 in morning, well before my set alarms, and “snoozing” anymore has been replaced with scrolling. I keep a book on my phone specifically so that when I catch myself dissolving into Instagram or news stories that I can’t do anything about, “rotting” as the kids say, I can at least just READ something from another world for a moment. Fly away.
We’re playing in Rockville tonight, and I hope I slept enough. Fortunately I’ve got backup. Heather knows these songs. Surely it’ll be just fine.
Surely.
OH – and Journaling – I’m hoping to get help with this whole bullshit WordPress situation soon, so with any luck, and with some help from a friend, maybe – just maybe – this can be a usable website again sometime soon.
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