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Land of Confusion.

A group of protesters holding signs and flags stands on an overpass, displaying messages including 'DON'T REWARD TREASON' and 'NO KINGS IN AMERICA', while cars pass below.
Friday night we drove down to New Deal Cafe in Greenbelt MD past the Protest Bridge. I don’t think Keola had ever seen it before.
A bowl of kale salad topped with grilled shrimp, a dollop of creamy dressing, and sprinkled with spices.
New Deal’s kitchen was absolutely on point when we rolled in. It was a great night, Frank was doing really well on sound, but during the first break we had a lot of fans complaining about the food… once again a venue didn’t take us seriously when we said “we’ll usually have a full house, and we make sure our fans are ready to support the venue by buying dinner”… they were short-staffed and frustrated and it was disappointing to see the staff be so angry at a crowd because they wanted to buy stuff.

A friend’s friend has died, and it really doesn’t mean anything to me. Except it was sudden, out of the blue, and he was 6 months older than me, but he was healthy as Hell and looked ten years younger.

Heart attack.

I think endlessly about death recently. (okay, I’ve ALWAYS obsessed about death). About how years ago I felt ready because I was often sated and joyous, the Klingon way. Today IS a good day to die. And I can see how it might feel soon; exhausted, eager for it to be over. But right NOW I am dissatisfied and angry, purposeless and incomplete and lonely. And the names keep stacking. A friend of a friend’s heart attack is distant but hits home because we’ve Lived the same number of years. My mother, needy when she’s in touch, out-of-touch when she’s not, phone and messages unanswered and ignored as she’s done for decades. My high school crush, cancer metastasized but “manageable”. The girl in high school who had the crush on ME, her brain revolting and fighting against her. Another friend’s father collapsing into dementia, another friend’s mother thought she had her breast cancer beat but it’s back. I worry about MS, I worry about young mothers, my house, my childhood house, my heart, my head, my fingers, my stomach.

A dimly lit exterior of a house at night, featuring a porch with a chair and a visible door. A cat is perched on a window sill inside, while another cat is seen through a different window with curtains.
After playing at the New Deal we went around the corner to check out where we’d be playing for Ridgestock the next morning and to drop off some gear. Jay Bellamy’s cats eyed us dubiously, apparently unaware of what would befall them on the morrow.

The other day I was exhausted, falling asleep on the couch. I didn’t feel guilty for napping because I was headed out to run one of my open mics shortly. Transactionally speaking, it’s okay for me to sleep when I know I’ve got a full day’s work ahead of me that night, but whenever I let myself slide back past a sitting position I mutter “okay google, set an alarm for 20 minutes”. Safety first.

A band performing on a wooden stage in a lush green park, surrounded by trees and colorful balloons. The musicians include a woman singing, a man playing the saxophone, a drummer, and a guitarist, creating a lively atmosphere.
The Rockits getting setup for Jay Bellamy’s Ridgestock.
A large tree with a textured trunk and lush green leaves, surrounded by garden equipment and colorful balloons in the background.
Our gear holding up the local foliage.
A band performing outdoors on a stage surrounded by greenery, with musicians playing various instruments. The setup includes a drum kit and amplifiers, and the musicians are dressed in casual attire, some in bright colors.
Ridgestock 2026 in Greenbelt, MD.

I could just fade out and sleep for hours, it seems. But not this time. I’m asleep in moments but dreaming. I’m playing and I snap a string and I snap awake. I’ve got time. Drifting off. I’m playing guitar and snap a string and I snap awake. The whole 20 minutes till the alarm goes off, drifting and breaking strings, playing nothing songs and feeling like I’m ruining the show. Feeling like I’m losing myself. Breaking.

A woman with curly hair is playfully sticking out her tongue, which has a star-shaped decoration on it. She is outdoors with trees in the background, wearing a black tank top and layered necklaces.
A colorful plate with a hot dog topped with mustard and a piece of grilled vegetable dish being held by a person. The background shows a picnic setting with grass.
A woman with curly hair sticking out her tongue playfully, surrounded by greenery and outdoor scenery.

Today I got to save the day. Mosno called. His two kids and wife were stuck in a parking lot in Canton with their car and a shredded tire. I was home. I was able to come and get them and get the car seats in and the wife and Mosno and get them to their repair shop and get them home. We talked intensely about the future and home schooling and faith and if tribalist people can actually be “good”. It’s a hard conversation because I fear I’m letting loose all my cynicism and sadness and fear while chauffeuring some of the only kids that I LIKE. I’m so very very grateful they’re in the world and they are LIGHT and goodness, and I’m so very sorry for the world we’ve got in store for them. The trap we’ve left for them. The younger fell asleep to the sound of my voice and the older probably didn’t understand what I was really saying. I tried to keep the tone light. But damn it, Nikki asked and I just couldn’t stop talking.

A lively outdoor gathering with people sitting in foldable chairs enjoying a live band performance on a sunny day. Two individuals in colorful attire engage in playful balloon tossing, while others relax and watch the performance.
A backyard concert scene with a band performing on a stage under a large tree, surrounded by an audience seated on lawn chairs, enjoying the outdoor event.
A live music performance occurring outdoors on a wooden stage, featuring a band with musicians playing various instruments, such as guitars, keyboards, and drums. Colorful balloons are hanging in the background amidst lush greenery and trees.
A nighttime outdoor gathering in a wooded area, with a small stage, musicians setting up equipment, and colorful balloons hung in the trees. Soft lighting from the stage illuminates the scene.

There. Is that the crux of it? The feeling of failure? Not because I’m not some big rockstar or making more money or something tangible like that… is that what’s got me breaking strings in my dreams? I failed at keeping this family together. I continue to fail at rebuilding tiny communities. They’re all riddled with hate and strife and stupidity. Disrespect, sarcasm and spite. I don’t know what to do for them.

Any of them.

I should at least stay in touch. Call. But I don’t have enough of myself left.

Kristen wants to play Land of Confusion by Genesis. We’ve worked it out a couple of times and we could probably, guns to our collective heads, stumble through it. But I can’t take the song seriously. I can’t sing the lines.

“I won’t be coming home tonight
My generation will put it right
We’re not just making promises
That we know we’ll never keep”

Nope. What a trite, fucking rhyme. My generation completely failed at putting ANYTHING right and now we’re stumbling in the darkness, counting pills for our parents, waiting for Trump to sell the last of America before our kids can even grasp what they’ve lost.

A fluffy cat sitting on a dining table, facing away from the camera, with a plant and window in the background. Various office supplies and a printer are also present on the table.
He does make things better, even as he’s trying to make them worse.
A fluffy cat sitting on a table in a sunlit room, with a potted plant and a window in the background. The room has a vintage poster on the wall and various items scattered on the table.
A fluffy cat sitting on a table, looking back toward the camera, in a room with a printer, a potted plant, and a window featuring sheer curtains.
robilyaimy

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